Letting go, part 3

in which Bethany chooses a college.

[Victoria and Bethany, age 1]

In early April, after the college acceptance packages had come in, Victoria asked Bethany, “Which way are you leaning?”

Bethany wasn’t completely sure yet – she wanted to visit the schools again – but she was pretty sure she wanted to go to the art college. The liberal arts college we had visited in November (hereinafter, “the liberal arts college”) was in second place, and another liberal arts college was in third place. She would visit them all in April, and a fourth college, too – the other out-of-state college – if her mind wasn’t made up after visiting her top three colleges for the second time.

I started my campaign – a limited campaign, just a few remarks here and there – to push the liberal arts college despite my new insight into James’ letter. I just couldn’t help myself. When we visited the art college open house in April, Victoria and I found an opportunity to tell Bethany that she was too bright for the school. (Based on her grades and board scores, I had an argument, snotty and as flatteringly manipulative as it was.) But the rest of the time I wasn’t disparaging; I simply highlighted the virtues I found in the almost-daily mailers the liberal arts college sent her or sent Victoria and me. Sometimes, when I said things, I knew I had gone too far. Sometimes, it felt fine. But my heart wasn’t where I wanted it to be – solidly in favor of any decision Bethany would make. She needed to decide what college to go to, obviously: if she ended up hating the college and felt that I pushed her there, it would hurt our relationship for a long time. And it’s her life. Right?

Victoria, who has a better read on Bethany than I do often, said that Bethany didn’t feel pressured. “She just thinks you’re being you,” she said. She meant that I was always advocating something. That made me feel better. Maybe she could stand up to me. But that made me feel worse.  What if she stood up to me and made the wrong decision? When I’d go on about all of this, Victoria would always tell me, “She’ll figure it out,” meaning that she would figure out the right thing to do. Yeah, I thought, but what if the right thing to do isn’t what I think the right thing to do is?

Around this time, and for the only time this year, our principal stumbled into my classroom. We were all reading silently. I came up to see what he wanted, and he asked me how Bethany’s college search was going. I told him about her options and her upcoming campus visits. “She’ll figure it out,” he whispered, and left the room. You would think I would have gotten the message.

I emailed my siblings about how I thought Bethany was going to make a terrible decision. I called my mother and told her about a plan I had hatched to have the entire family sign a congratulatory card with a new bribe in it that she could accept if she would go to the liberal arts college. (My entire family was in favor of the liberal arts college over the art college, too.) My mother wisely suggested that I drop the idea. There wasn’t anything subtle or even funny about it, of course.

I talked with my close friend Michael a few weeks ago about Bethany’s decision. Years ago, Michael tearfully told a few of us the story of how he tried to stand in the way of his own artistic daughter’s career. He realized it in time to end up supporting her decision to go to a fashion school, and she’s done very well. Michael, as usual, gave me some good perspective. “You’ll make lots of mistakes, and she’ll turn out fine,” is Michael’s general outlook, and he’s been accurate on both counts over the years.

º º º

Having ceded more than three months to the art college by accepting her in April instead of December, the liberal arts college began to make up for lost time. It offered an overnight visit and not just an accepted students’ day that the other schools offered. It offered to fly its candidates to its campus at its expense and to feed them in its dining hall. The candidates even got luxury accommodations in sleeping bags on dorm-room floors.

[Bethany, age 17]

But the college’s travel agent I had to book the flight through to get the flight reimbursement was hopeless. By the time she called me back, the rates had gone up beyond what the school was willing to pay, and we ended up three airports from here, an hour and twenty minutes’ drive one way. During the five days I was dealing with the agent, I was cursing the agency that threatened to spoil the conspiracy I had formed with the liberal arts college to persuade Bethany to select it. Then I thought to myself, “Remember, you are not in control!”

Victoria heard me fuming about the travel agency and said, “Remember, you are not in control!”

Some of Victoria’s and my conversations with Bethany involved how a BA studio arts degree from a liberal arts college might affect her ability to go from college into an MFA program at a studio art school. These days, most young professional artists get, or want to get, a Master of Fine Arts (MFA) degree; the field is exceptionally competitive. Bethany was understandably concerned that the MFA jewelry and metalworking programs would require a BFA – an undergraduate professional degree – in jewelry and metalworking, something that no small, liberal arts school that I could find offered, so I emailed the liberal arts college’s sculpture professor and the head of its studio arts department and told them about Bethany’s dilemma. Both responded with long, thoughtful emails describing the advantages of small studio art programs at liberal arts colleges and assuring us that Bethany would be at no competitive disadvantage in four years if she wished to pursue an MFA program in jewelry, metals, or anything else. The sculpture professor had a daughter who had gone from a program similar to the liberal arts college’s into a specialized studio arts MFA program, and the department chair herself had done so.

I read the letters out loud to Bethany. I also pointed out that half of the art college professors in its jewelry and metalworking program had gotten BA’s in studio arts and not BFA’s before getting their MFA’s.

But just to confirm things, I also emailed the MFA jewelry and metalworking programs that U.S. News had ranked as the top ten in the nation, and I explained Bethany’s dilemma to them. Would they accept students with BA degrees from studio arts programs, or would they accept only students with BFA degrees in jewelry and metalworking? Most of their web sites were not clear on this point.

I sent those out on Saturday, the day before I put Bethany on the plane in Baltimore.

By the time I took her to the airport, the first response had come in:

Wow I’ve never seen a letter like this before — helicopter parent? (wonder where he went to school?)

This professor, I hope, thought she was responding to the other professor in her department whom I had addressed the email to, and not to me. (As far as the parenthetical query goes, I guess I did come off a little condescending about the art college. I didn’t stop to think about how my attitude toward the art college might come across to professors at other art colleges.)

Bethany and I laughed about it on the way to the airport, and we theorized about how I might respond to the inadvertent email.

By the next morning, substantive responses to my emails were coming in. Here’s the first:

First of all, this email should have come from your daughter. If she is mature enough to start college in the Fall, she should be asking these questions herself.

[Art college] is an outstanding university with an outstanding art department and an outstanding metals program. If she wants to do graduate work in metalworking, I would recommend Bethany attend [Art college]. We would not accept her into the MFA program in Metals without a metalworking portfolio. We prefer that applicants have the BFA degree, but if the portfolio is strong enough, we will consider the BA degree.

I hope this answers your questions.

If its any consolation, thirty five years ago I was a student much like your daughter. I was accepted into several Ivy League schools and even offered a full scholarship to attend Harvard as a math major (I got a perfect SAT score in math–very rare at the time). To my parent’s chagrin, I attended a  much lesser ranked school because it had a good program in metals. (I had taken one summer class). It is a decision I have never regretted and one that served me well in my ensuing career.

Hope this advice helps

Professor X

I tried reading the letter to Victoria, but I couldn’t because I was crying so hard. The letter felt like a direct hit, a much stronger version of what I felt God was trying to point out to me with the insight from James’ epistle that had intrigued me earlier in the month. It showed me as being everything I feared – a helicopter parent (as the first professor had pointed out), and one who would let his pride in having his daughter accepted at some fine liberal arts colleges stand in the way of his daughter’s decision. A father trying to shape his daughter in his own image and standing between his daughter and her God-given calling.

Three other letters came in while Bethany was visiting the liberal arts college. While none were as confrontational, all said the same thing about what kind of coursework and degree they would accept from prospective MFA candidates: only a BFA in jewelry and metalworking. They all suggested that Bethany go to the art college.

Perhaps things had changed since the liberal arts college department head and its sculpture professor’s daughter had gone to graduate school, I figured.

But I realized that I was now where I wanted to be. I didn’t want to stand in Bethany’s way. Really, after those letters, I could honestly say that I would be happy with any decision Bethany made. And Victoria, who has a great deal of insight into how Bethany’s mind works, told me that she felt Bethany would have a decision when I met her at the airport.

After we picked up her bag and sleeping bag, I asked Bethany to sit down with me for a minute in some chairs by the baggage claim. I told her that I was sorry for pushing her towards the liberal arts college, and I reiterated, much more forcefully (and sincerely) this time, that she had a wonderful decision to make, one that her hard work and perseverance had presented to her, and that I would be thrilled and excited about any decision she made.

“Did Mom put you up to this?”

No, I assured her.

“Well, as it turns out . . .” Her voice trailed off.

Then she began what seemed like a minute-to-minute account of her two days at the liberal arts college. (She gets the need to provide every detail from me, of course.) Suddenly, I was thankful for the travel agent because the long ride back would give Bethany a chance to unwind her decision to me the way she wanted to before she had to face Victoria, who can be very to the point.

Bethany was obviously excited. She loved her hosts, and she described their different personalities as if she had been to summer camp with them for three weeks. They played some kind of game in the dorm hall that Bethany ended up winning. (I withheld my cynicism; the college selected these hosts, after all.) The kids were talking about the kind of things that Bethany loves talking about. At some point, the boyfriend of one of the girls came in, a philosophy major. He and the girlfriend, a sociology major, described to the group a paper they had written together the night before for the hell of it regarding some insight that involved both of their disciplines. It was the perfect thing for Bethany to hear. She loves doing things best when they’re not assigned – well, who doesn’t? – but it was the first time she has been with a lot of other kids that share the same approach to learning that she has.

I even got lost driving for about a half hour – I’ve lived in this area for only a quarter century – because I got so enthralled with Bethany’s nonstop account of her trip. So the ride back took almost two hours.

Just before we got home, she told me that she thought she wanted to go to the liberal arts college (to “my [name of school],” as she began calling it that night).

When we got home to Victoria, Bethany gave her an abbreviated version of her experiences. We told Bethany about the four letters, but Bethany wasn’t too concerned. She agreed with us: how could a BA degree in studio arts prevent someone from getting an MFA degree in jewelry and metalworking? She could approach those programs in four years and say, “Here’s what I’ve done. What more do I need to do to get in?” Someone or something somewhere – an additional year at an art school, an apprenticeship, some summer programs, a job – would give her the experience she needed and the opportunity to build up her portfolio with jewelry and metalwork.

I asked Bethany not to act on her decision for a few days since she was in no danger of missing a deadline. I thought she should live with her decision, she how well it wore, before sharing it with the colleges.

After Bethany made her decision, four more MFA jewelry and metalworking programs responded to my helicopter-parent emails. They all came to exactly the opposite conclusion than the first four did, honest to God. Bethany should go where she wants to go, they said. A response typical of these four letters: “The only thing that we stipulate is the student must hold a Bachelor’s Degree.  We do not mandate that it be a BS, BA, BFA, etc.”

Bethany accepted the offer of admission from the liberal arts college a few days later.

The night she and I got back from the airport, Bethany told Victoria and me, “Whenever I picture myself at the liberal arts college missing the art college, I think of all that cool metalworking and jewelry-making equipment on the third floor. But whenever I picture myself at the art college missing the liberal arts college, I think of the kids, the dorms, the classes, the food, the buildings, the trees, the countryside . . . the whole thing.”

“Bethany, you’re describing the art college kind of like I describe my law school when I look back on it. And you’re describing the liberal arts college like I describe what made my undergraduate years special. It sounds to me as if you’re saying you aren’t ready to get a professional degree yet. It sounds like you want to go to college first.”

It was the wisest thing I had said in weeks.

Previous posts:

Part 1, in which I process Bethany’s growing up

Part 2, in which God gets my attention through textual insight

[The first photo above is of Victoria and Bethany when the latter was one year old. The second photo above is of Bethany a few months ago.  The photo below is of Bethany, age two, and me.

Warning!  Bethany becomes an adult this week, graduates from high school next month, and leaves home in August.  It may stay a bit lachrymose around here for a while.]

[Peter and Bethany, age 2]

In celebration of SoloPoMo (Solo Poem Month), I hope to blog every day in May using Charles Wright’s poem “Images from the Kingdom of Things” from his 2006 volume Scar Tissue.  I’m not sure how many of these posts will explicitly refer to the poem, but I hope there’ll be some connection with the poem each time, if only felt.

 

Posted May 11, 2010.

Letting go, part 2

in which God gets my attention through textual insight.

[Photo of Granny's farm before sunshower]

I love taking photographs just before or after early- or late-day sunshowers: the rich, angled light hits its subjects full in the face, and the sky is a dramatically dark backdrop. The devil is beating his wife, in fact, just now – the sun and its blue sky are full in my eastern window, but I hear the rain beating on my roof as I tap this out.

That Southern explanation for a sunshower played in me when I was a kid. I remember thinking that the devil probably didn’t beat his wife that often despite the other bad things I had heard about him, so I thought I was witnessing an astronomical event as rare and as metaphysical as a solar eclipse.

It’s the mind up to its tricks, wanting to find animals and people (and devils) in things. The poet Charles Wright, whom I’ve been enjoying recently, plays at it as he nudges the reader from the physical to a physical/metaphysical world.  Consider the hints at personification from the opening of “Images from the Kingdom of Things” (though these examples are really more zooidal than anthropomorphic):

Sunlight is blowing westward across the unshadowed meadow,
Night, in its shallow puddles,
still liquid and loose in the trees.
The world is a desolate garden,
No distillation of downed grasses,
no stopping the clouds, coming at us one by one.

“Liquid and loose” makes me see night alternatively as a puddle and a panther; it sort of never settles in my mind into one or the other and therefore reverts back to language and sound, which I think Wright wants. And the inexorable clouds: person, animal, or thing?

It’s like the biblical conception of wisdom. Wisdom is an abstract noun in the Bible, as it is everywhere you find it, but there’s this overlay of personification from the Book of Proverbs’s first section that can color wisdom when you’re reading about it elsewhere in the Bible:

Wisdom hath builded her house, she hath hewn out her seven pillars: She hath killed her beasts; she hath mingled her wine; she hath also furnished her table. She hath sent forth her maidens: she crieth upon the highest places of the city, Whoso is simple, let him turn in hither: as for him that wanteth understanding, she saith to him, Come, eat of my bread, and drink of the wine which I have mingled. Forsake the foolish, and live; and go in the way of understanding. (Proverbs 9:1-6, King James Version)

Even more significant for my faith is Paul’s assertion in First Corinthians that Jesus himself is my wisdom:

By God’s act you are in Christ Jesus; God has made him our wisdom, and in him we have our righteousness, our holiness, our liberation. (REB)

But it’s been awhile since I’ve read those verses. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the devil in sunshowers or seen Jesus in wisdom. But I started to see something I hadn’t seen about wisdom in the New Testament’s epistle by James, probably Jesus’ brother and a practical guy who writes in a practical way and from whom I wouldn’t expect to receive much new insight after a few readings.

James describes what wisdom looks and feels like. Here’s the entire passage, taken from the King James Version of chapter 3:

Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom. But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

Until last month, I thought James was describing how I can know that a decision I would make would be a wise one. Maybe, but now I understand that seeing the passage only that way would not only take it out of context but make it into a decision-making tree or a kind of blueprint for a biblical Magic Eight Ball.  (One of my biggest hangovers from my Charismatic days is the notion that, as big as I claim God is, he puts his money on only one horse; he endorses only one decision. This passage back then was my way to know how that right decision would feel to me – was it pure? peaceable? etc. – so that I’d end up backing the right horse, too.)

While reading James last month, instead of the usual decision tree I’ve extrapolated from this passage, I began to see, flickering in and out Charles Wright-like, an animate wisdom. James is describing how a wise person interacts with others. (I don’t know why I’ve never seen that before: the passage comes after James’ remonstration against his readers for cursing other people and comes after a similar remonstration about fighting other people. So he’s been talking about conduct all along.  The passage even refers to the “meekness of wisdom.” People, not decisions, are meek, after all.)

Here’s another translation of my chief text from the passage, this from the New Revised Standard Version:

Bur the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy.

James is describing a way of interacting with others over an issue that wouldn’t necessarily reach a single, predetermined end. If I have wisdom, I – I, and not the right answer – am “easy to be intreated” (KJV), “willing to yield” (NRSV), “reasonable” (NAS), “open-minded” (REB). The wisdom the passage refers to isn’t in an answer or in a direction or decision. It’s also not the fruit from having the the person I’m talking with following what I think is my wise counsel. The peace the passage refers to is in the relationship; it is in the faith that, even if the other person can’t marshall enough wisdom or even see beyond the nose on her face, I am willing to yield to her. In other words, this passage isn’t about getting the right answer or getting the mind of God on a subject, if God is indeed that singleminded about it. It’s about how to lose like God.

I beat God frequently, and he takes it, just like the devil’s wife. When the Spirit indicates something to me that doesn’t make sense, I often go with what makes sense, and circumstances show me how things would have been better had I gone with my indication. More to the point, I’ll also often do things I know are wrong. God, wise as he is, yields to me and loses every time.

So the wisdom from above is receiving other people’s perspectives, getting out of their way, letting them win, knowing that God has been likewise willing to lose to me. “Easy to be entreated,” then, doesn’t mean willing to have others grovel before me like supplicants before some kind of potentate. If I’m willing to be entreated, I’m willing to be persuaded, willing to give up my position, willing to let the other’s perspective carry the day, willing to play God only to the extent of being willing to lose, willing all the more to lose because of my broken perspective.

The more I read this passage, journaled about it (a lot of this post is verbatim from my journal), and thought about it, I knew where this was going. When I get some insight into the Bible that I think is significant, I’m usually assured that I’ll have to learn some hard lessons to get it functioning under my hood. I’ve learned that biblical insight (humble as mine is) comes with a price; theology alone is a parlor game. For the sake of our future relationship, I would have to put my heart behind my words: your college decision is your decision, Bethany, and not mine. I know you’ll make the right decision, and I’ll be thrilled for you whatever you decide.

God knows how to get to me. It was a bittersweet feeling – the excitement of being reoriented to one of my central biblical passages while knowing deep inside that the timing of that reorientation would require that I give up any claim I had to pushing Bethany toward a particular decision. I would have to be “willing to yield” – willing to lose like God. With three weeks to go before Bethany would have to accept only one college’s invitation, I knew I was nowhere ready to do that.

Previous post: Part 1, in which I process Bethany’s growing up

Next post: Part 3, in which Bethany selects a college

[Above photo is of Granny’s farm just before a sunshower.  (Granny is Bethany’s mother’s mother’s mother, now 92 years old.)]

In celebration of SoloPoMo (Solo Poem Month), I hope to blog every day in May using Charles Wright’s poem “Images from the Kingdom of Things” from his 2006 volume Scar Tissue.  I’m not sure how many of these posts will explicitly refer to the poem, but I hope there’ll be some connection with the poem each time, if only felt.

Posted May 10, 2010.

Letting go, part 1

in which I process Bethany’s growing up.

[picture, Pine Cone, oil & canvas, by Bethany]Bethany and I have always been close. She wore a “Daddy’s Girl” tee shirt to school in her middle school years, and she visits my classroom after school most days in high school, or at least she did until this year. She’s a senior with lots of AP courses and art she’s always having to finish afternoons in the school’s art wing. She still comes by some, mostly to take my money or my food, but I’m fine with that, like most dads of seventeen-year-old girls.

Our relationship is changing, of course, and I haven’t always seen the changes coming. At a recent school dance – I’m expected to chaperone dances – I left my self-appointed post by the snack table to foray onto the dance floor, and Bethany intercepted me immediately and explained that I made her date nervous. Victoria and she have assured me that I won’t be attending this year’s prom, and since my principal, whose oldest daughter is a year older than Bethany, is going through similar life changes, I expect I’m off the hook.

But no single event exposes the changes Bethany and I are facing as much as the the fifteen-month college search that ended a couple of weeks ago. I took a keen interest in this project early on, and I had definite ideas about where Bethany should apply to. I knew all along that her college was her choice, but I guess I wasn’t willing to let her make it.

Years ago, I wasn’t sure Bethany would have so many good college choices. Bethany struggled with elementary school. She was diagnosed with ADD, and she had special accommodations to help her through. I remember visiting her second grade classroom on some parent visit day. All the other students sat at their desks, and there was Bethany, shy as she was, standing up by her desk the entire hour, hard at work.

Bethany is a born artist and would have done well in a less structured setting. School did not play to her strengths, and she hated it for years and often came home crying. One day, though, a middle school guidance counselor visited her elementary school, painted a glowing picture of college, and warned her audience that they wouldn’t get there without applying themselves in middle school and high school.

Bethany took the message to heart. She found ways to accommodate school just at the time the school was taking away its accommodations for her. She was diagnosed with anxiety in eighth or ninth grade, and she’ll have to tell the story herself of how she has struggled with it and has largely overcome it in high school. She worked hard and took more and more challenging courses as the years went on. She learned the game of school and reconciled it with her perfectionism and her need to learn things her own way and at her own speed, which is slow.

Sometimes she had to be pushed. Her parents, uncles, aunts, and grandparents confronted her one evening at our annual beach vacation over her choice to eschew honors English during her upcoming ninth grade year. She ended up accepting a $5-a-head bribe to take the course. She’s been in honors English ever since, and for three years in high school she was the top student in her English class. The girl who was placed in the lowest reading circle in elementary school got close to a perfect reading comprehension score on her SAT last fall.

Throughout most of middle and high school, however, art was her safety valve, the course that made most everything else palatable. She got really jazzed about pottery, metalworking and jewelry-making, and she began to understand that small, three-dimensional art of some kind would be part of her life’s work. Most of high school art is of the two-dimensional variety, however, so Bethany put off the idea of developing her main passion until college.

Along the way, she discovered new interests that complement her art. She and I have always read a lot of books and poetry to each other, and her love of literature and writing has grown. She also loves biology and psychology, and she has done well in both of those fields. I love the social sciences and have no skill and little interest in science; literature is where Bethany and I intersect. But she has become interested in and proficient in many more areas of learning than I ever was, and her success contributed to the college-search drama that came to a head late last month.

We have visited a dozen colleges since spring of last year, mostly state colleges that seemed good matches for her interests, her temperament, and our limited teacher incomes. Most schools had something she liked very much, and it was fun to watch her process her experiences and refine what she wanted from a college. She went, for example, from preferring a medium-sized university to preferring a small college with some heritage and beauty to it. But her chief concern never changed – during each visit, she always took a long, hard look at the college’s studio art program.

This past year’s family beach week came in the middle of Bethany’s search. Instead of bribing her as it had done three years earlier, her extended family brainstormed with her about possible colleges. We poured over three catalogs of colleges we had picked up at the Island Bookstore at the beginning of our trip. It got Bethany, Victoria, and me looking beyond Virginia to colleges we couldn’t afford without need-based grants and academic scholarships. My father suggested a strong, small liberal arts college that seemed to fit Bethany very well on paper. Earlier that day I had met a graduate of that school for the first time, a clerk at the bookstore, a young English teacher with whom I had talked shop and from whom I had accepted a recommendation to buy an excellent poetry anthology. I went back to the bookstore and talked with him about the school; he couldn’t have been more informative or enthusiastic about his four years there.

We packed up the car and made the seven-hour drive to that college during a break in school this past November. Most college student bodies seem to develop a personality that can be caricatured; at least, the ones we read about did. This school’s did, too, and it fit Bethany better than any one we had visited. The students there love to talk about what they’re learning, and they learn for learning’s sake with little regard for their eventual careers. They are a little nerdy, but in an endearing way, I suppose, and they are, as a whole, unpretentious. No formal dress and no overriding frat scene. The college has a high professor-to-student ratio, a very well-respected and friendly faculty, a strong writing program (one of the few colleges that has students write across the curriculum, as we pedagogues say), a gorgeous setting, fine facilities, and (this is unusual) good food, from the students’ point of view. It also has fewer students than Bethany’s high school. The students are not cut-throat but supportive of one another despite the school’s academic reputation – a very important factor for Bethany, who withers in a competitive environment over the long run. She felt at home, she said – a feeling she hadn’t had up to that point. But she went away disappointed with the college because its art facilities were nothing like the art college she had visited the previous spring.

The art college’s facilities are unbelievable. Its art program spans seventeen buildings, most of them devoted to studio arts. It has a huge building dedicated to just the BFA studio arts candidates’ first year – the “foundations” year – and it has BFA degree programs for things as specialized as fabrics, jewelry and metals, glass, and ceramics. Bethany seemed so completely in her element when she visited there, and we visited that school three times. She had a long interview with one of the school’s deans and several conversations with professors and an administrator, all of them responsive and friendly. And it is the top art school in the country for one of the fields of art Bethany is most interested in pursuing, and one of the top ten in all of the other fields she’s interested in.

Bethany applied regular decision to six colleges and universities this past December, generally following the usual advice: apply to one or two “stretch” schools, one or two schools that fit your GPA and board scores, and one or two “fallback” schools. She first heard from the art school, which responded in December, long before the April 1 response date most colleges assign themselves. The art achool admitted her into their honors program with a full tuition and fees scholarship. The excitement around here was unbelievable. Although the program wasn’t as strong academically as the other colleges she had applied to, the other schools’ studio arts programs and facilities paled in comparison to this one’s. The honors program would help compensate for the school’s lower academic standards since it had a limited enrollment, small classes, and the school’s best professors teaching the classes. Bethany began to see herself going there, and the steady drumbeat of correspondence from the school raised her interest level even more. I was very impressed with the school and only encouraged Bethany’s interest in the school.

We learned by late March that she was wait-listed by one school but was accepted by the others, including her top three choices besides the art school. The two private colleges she had applied to offered her significant financial aid grants, and one of them – the one we visited in November – offered her a nice scholarship as well.  Now we were really excited. We knew she had done well in school and on her boards, but we didn’t know, particularly in this year when the number of applications to many colleges spiked by five or ten percent or more, how Bethany would fare. She got in some colleges to which some of her friends had submitted strong applications based on prior years’ admission statistics but to which they were ultimately not admitted.

Last month, Bethany essentially narrowed her choice to a decision between the private, liberal arts college we had visited in November and the art college. The differences between the schools were significant, and they represented two large aspects of Bethany. The liberal arts college represented her late-blooming academic success and her newly understood interest in literature and science. The art college represented what she was born to do – to make art.

I was beside myself with joy that she had gotten into the liberal arts college, and I quickly decided that it was where she needed to go. I reasoned that she could always get her MFA metals and jewelry degree after graduating from there. Victoria agreed with me; she believed that, overall, Bethany would be happier in a small college where students loved learning for learning’s sake. So I began implementing a propaganda campaign – subtle, by my standards, and fully in line with her prerogative to choose, I felt – to persuade Bethany to choose the liberal arts college.

Next posts:

Part 2, in which God gets my attention through textual insight

Part 3, in which Bethany selects a college

[Above photo is of Pine Cone, oil and pastel, by Bethany]

In celebration of SoloPoMo (Solo Poem Month), I hope to blog every day in May using Charles Wright’s poem “Images from the Kingdom of Things” from his 2006 volume Scar Tissue.  I’m not sure how many of these posts will explicitly refer to the poem, but I hope there’ll be some connection with the poem each time, if only felt.

Posted May 9, 2010.

Hymn 236

Bethany, our thirteen-year-old, has always loved to hear me whistle. I didn’t know I was that good until she told me I was, and I believe her because I want to. She’s pretty good now herself, and she joins me when she hears me whistle a familiar tune.

I had a song stuck in my head this morning when she wasn’t around. It was a Christmas carol my dad whistles out of season, like on summer mornings on the way to his car. When I was a kid, my second-floor room faced the front of our house, just above the cars. I always felt a bit lazy, lying in bed and watching my father’s shoulders and the tops of his head and shoes, and hearing snatches of his whistling coming through the screen beside me.

My mind wasn’t hearing my dad whistle at first. This morning I was tuned into the same organ crescendo he probably plays in his mind some of these summer mornings – the final verse of “Once in Royal David’s City” played at my hometown Episcopal church, sort of a high church where a good organ and organist can transport a congregant up and out of a blue collar shipyard town for an hour or so.

I don’t strictly whistle. Like Pop, I kind of whistle-warble and I throw in some “ya da da”s and even some words when they suit or come to mind. However, I’ve kind of taken Pop’s tools and built a louder and more obnoxious version of whistling, because I want to capture the drama built into the particular performance I am recalling. I wish to amuse myself. Pop’s whistling seems haphazard and thoughtless in comparison, more like the bubbles from an underground spring. He doesn’t consider his whistling on his way to the car, probably. The hymns in his head are kind of a quiet benefit of regular church attendance, the agreeable background noise of clean living.

Pop and I were the optimists in our family when I was growing up, or at least my mother says so. She alone makes determinations like this, since my father doesn’t speak about himself or about any of their three children in so sweeping a manner. His comments about someone tend to involve concrete proficiencies. He says, for instance, that I “interview well”– a point made in one of the many stories he enjoys retelling. (I love hearing that story.) He also has very little to say on abstract points concerning our faith and deflects all questions of doctrine to my mother, whom he refers to on such occasions as “the Vice-President in Charge of Religion.” Mom sometimes expresses what Pop feels at his core, the things he nurtured silently, perhaps while sitting for hours on the porch a lot of weekend afternoons, enjoying a quiet space away from a busy law practice. When my mother articulates a heart matter well, my father sometimes wipes away a tear or two, hearing it put just right.

I inherited my mother’s pull toward abstraction, so I distinguish my father’s optimism from mine by calling his a grounded optimism. I’ve adopted the line about there not being anything more practical than good theory. Victoria (my wife) would put it this way: if theory doesn’t direct me to do something, it won’t get done. Pop, though, sticks to practicalities, particularly with regard to his faith.

For instance, I don’t know anyone who cares about the sick or bereaved more than Pop. A few years ago, I asked Mom why Pop is so disciplined about calling or visiting people who, as the Book of Common Prayer puts it, “in this transitory life are in trouble, sorrow, need, sickness, or any other adversity.” Given the same chore, I sweat over what to say, how to comfort, and sometimes I just chicken out.

“I wondered the same thing,” Mom said, “and I’ve come to the conclusion that he just picks up the phone.”

Almost every weekday morning of my forty-eight years, Pop has just gone to work. (At eighty-one, he’s now semi-retired; these days he substitutes for judges around the state and also mediates cases.) This morning I pictured him walking to his car some two hundred miles southeast of here in Newport News, under the same window I used to sleep beside until nine or ten o’clock summer mornings when I was Bethany’s age.

The organ faded into Pop’s “ya-da-da”s. Pop – the raconteur that he is – sticks to the narrative spine. No matter how beautifully high church performs a carol, it always returns to a melody line, to a story, to a lowly cattle shed.

Bethany is accompanying Victoria to rural India for two weeks this Christmas to help the poor. I’ll be home, whistling.



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Posted July 2005

Granny

The older I’ve gotten (and I do attribute it to age), the more I’m prone to seeing people as they might look years from now. It’s like I create those time-altering “Have you seen me?” photos in my head — the photos on the back of junk mail postcards sent to help rescue missing children.

Walking past one of my ninth graders, I may catch a turn of the chin that makes me see her at fifty. It’s 2040 and she’s not in looks, having spread like fertilizer around a seed of trouble a parent may have carefully planted in her throughout the 1990’s. At a future reunion she sees Jerry, now stone-faced, long ago having forgotten emotions that “weren’t working for him,” as the kids say today.

Happily, it also seems to work in reverse. We spent a week this past summer in Tennessee with my in-laws, including Granny, Victoria’s eighty-seven-year-old maternal grandmother. Granny moves slowly but insists on going with us to relatives and to malls. She doesn’t hear very well anymore, even with hearing aids. But now and then her eye sparkles and she’s beautiful; she’s twenty-two or fifteen or thirty-seven or even eight.

Granny insists on cooking our favorite country dishes for our visits to her farm, including the sweet potato casserole that she makes just because I love it. When we’re not around, Granny tirelessly visits her contemporaries who don’t share her good health. She works in her garden and takes good care of her cat and dog. She dresses beautifully.

I’m not sure why it doesn’t feel right to say that age is hiding the young girl inside of her. It’s safe to say, though, that she’s fully alive.



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Posted July 2005

Fear the turtle

Last fall two baby turtles, about the size of pickle chips, reached our doorstep in a Styrofoam hamburger box. They were the fruit of long family deliberations over what pet to get. Fur makes me sneeze, and my wife has a thing about the snakes and lizards my son wants.

The turtles belong to my daughter, who played the tortoise earlier this year in a skit based on Aesop’s “The Hare and the Tortoise.” She got to say Aesop’s punch line: “Slow but steady wins the race!”

Bethany was well cast for the role. She has accommodations at school that permit her to complete tests in another room after the other students have turned their tests in. The school also allows her to cut corners through some of her homework because it takes her so long to complete it. But she usually gets straight A’s.

I tried to be positive about her speed when she was three and four years old. “You’re fast!” I would tell her, hoping to build her self-esteem. She would stare at me, weighing my words. The last time I said it, she responded, “No, I’m slow.” She was smiling.

Bethany’s quiet persistence beat out my wife’s objection that turtles stink. Plus, the turtles at the old Virginia Living Museum building we’d visit usually made us laugh. The male turtles there would wiggle their claws against the females’ cheeks and the females would start avoiding them. I’ve tried this at home with similar results.

The museum turtles also were speedy under water, and we loved to watch them zip around. Scientists may one day explain that Aesop’s race had been under water. Or we’ll find a lost fragment from the fable: “‘You choose the contest, and I’ll choose the location,’ said the Tortoise, quietly.”

Until recently I would have accepted an underwater theory over Aesop’s explanation for the race results. After all, Aesop would have us believe that the Hare would choose to sleep during a race. The Hare’s sleep doesn’t seem to be from weariness, either. The Hare sleeps with swagger, perhaps the original power nap. Despite this obvious fiction, the fable persists as one of Aesop’s most frequently cited, and it resonates in our cultural subconscious. Why?

Turtles were not always associated with slowness. In ancient times, they were considered infernal creatures, and the word “turtle” probably derives from the Greek word for underworld. Maybe the expression “inexorable as death” makes the connection from the Greeks to Aesop’s view of the turtle.

There are all kinds of slow. A turtle won’t shut down on you, insisting on some insupportable point, like a dog with your pocketbook clamped between his teeth. The turtle’s slowness has something more to do with patience.

Our pickle-chip sized turtles presently require a 25-gallon aquarium. Slowly, they will grow to be six to twelve inches in diameter. The last time we went, the Virginia Living Museum had just moved into a new building with “four times the exhibit space” as its old one. And its turtles were growing. Our turtles will win in the end, too, and I’ll be buying museum-size tanks.

I risk a friendship with a hasty word, and I lose my equanimity if the checkout lady says more than, “Debit or credit?” to the person in front of me, daring to waste my precious time with a conversation, with a touch of humanity. But I could not conceive of the Hare risking the race for a nap.

No Hare can conceive of it, and so no Hare can relate to the Hare. The Turtles know, though, that the Hares will always make time to sleep during a race. The Turtles start the race with a deeper conviction, which the Hares usually mistake for starting from a deeper hole. The Hares make pronouncements at the start of a race, and time disproves them. The Turtles know that time is always on their side.

Posted April 2004

 

Chaise

We inherited my grandmother’s chaise lounge. Mimi died at 91 with enough possessions to fill a two-bedroom apartment and its patio, where this chaise held forth with about four other wrought-iron pieces. Mimi was a raconteur, and almost everybody in town knew her back when the town was that small, before I was born.

My brother and I took turns spending afternoons under the big green awning, hearing stories of Newport News from around 1870 on. We were amused and quieted by the conventions she insisted on: the offer of a seat and then of ice cream, the means of handling a teacup or a book.

Her storytelling was vivid. What impressed me most was the way she could jump twenty-five, fifty, or a hundred years, back and forth, by means of the queerest associations.

catbird’s canticle
written and bound

 

At Betty’s

[flower]

In the morning, I can read only in her basement.  Every other room has someone sleeping in it, usually on a couch or floor.  Betty’s house is small, but it’s big enough.  One toilet and bath got seven of us through with a little charity.  I fixed the toilet yesterday and was treated like a hero.

I read on the floor of Betty’s office, the only room in the house with wall-to-wall carpeting.  She keeps a lot of her books down here.  Like her home, her shelves are simple and Spartan, clean of unexplored interests.  She cooks, and she collects cookbooks.  There are also books about God and lots of Victoria’s old storybooks, textbooks, and yearbooks.  Each summer, two or three of Victoria’s old friends come over, and we inevitably open the yearbooks.  Pictures of Victoria at every stage of life grace about every room, even in the basement.

[flowers]

And Betty grows roses.  This morning I discovered Betty’s vases, the delivery systems for her simple charity, hidden in a basement recess.  I found some roses in her icebox last night, ready to go.  Yesterday I spent time in her garden, photographing her flowers.

[flowers]

I have a photograph of five generations: B (my daughter), Victoria, Betty (my mother-in-law), Granny (Betty’s mother), and Grandma H (Granny’s mother-in-law, who at the time was 109 years old).  Betty’s in the middle, the hinge in this lineage.  She takes care of Granny and showers gifts on us, too.

B inherited Betty’s quiet and her gentle fingers.  Betty holds and arranges and mends with entire attention, and her artisan ways made room for B’s art.  Betty’s concentration and fingers, which seem dexterous enough to have four joints each, remind me of a spider at work.

We just got back from ten enjoyable days in Nashville this morning.

[flower]



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Posted July 6, 2008.

The story of my birth

[Hotel Chamberlin postcard]

Each year my high priestess, not without blood, phones to recite the story of my birth. We danced by the Chamberlin against a night of few stars, she says, colonnade women and poplin men in brick-soled bucks on bluegrass. Heat lightning tugged at tankers in a dark offing.

We were at a point; you’ve seen the Chamberlin from a skipjack, rising and falling against sky and Hampton Roads, respectively; well, we rose and fell in the barest swell, I’m sure, the Navy Band’s brass and dress whites narrowly ruffled in black water. It was hot, a solstice hot, not unrelenting but apogeic; I think a June night is an anomaly and a celebration, brief as it is, and a summer night young enough to admit that summer hasn’t come, and 1957, too, the boom year of baby boom babies, the height of something you were born to fall from, and the top of a clock; I wanted you born by midnight.  I didn’t want you born on the thirteenth.

To the side, in a green, cotton dress, your grandmother, just five years older than you are today, her hair a black and silver you never knew, talked with her friends. I have never thought of her with either friends or dark hair, I think to myself, but later I realize that I had thought last year when Mom had called how I had never thought of her that way; this year, though – I think for the first time – I think: nor have I ever thought of her in a cotton dress.

Between numbers, after months of expansion, the contractions, the clock hands climbing and not falling, the heat a haze and not unrelenting – a presence and a midwife, really – and your father, excusing himself from his fellows, took me by an elbow, if you can picture that.  His long, black Studebaker bent around Newport News Point to 50th Street and the hospital, ablaze above the James River and its own silent ships.  The doctor and I worked to have you born today; your father, outside, rocked on his heels.  11:43.  There you were, and she hangs up again.

I look out my window, appeased.  I cradle the phone.  I can see the same moon, now an infant, that floated below those ruffled colonnades.  But I reflect that the hospital is now a parking lot, and my June nights have become like asphalt, too, expanded and contracted by a hundred solstices, buckled like lips turned upwards for their mother’s kiss.

Wings, boats, & asses

Before the Mariners’ Museum in Newport News gussied itself up over the last thirty years, my brother and I would play in its small-craft building, which today would look like a warehouse, were it still around.  Not like a big-box store made to look like a warehouse: it was a real, un-air-conditioned, sheet-metal-sided, concrete-floor warehouse.

We’d climb on old gondolas and tugs and dugout canoes illuminated only by a translucent, fiberglass ceiling. We could see the pine needles and dirt accumulating in rows along the corrugated roof from inside the building.  We played underneath a white, fallow field blessed by inattention and sunlight.

A sign in the aisles said not to climb on the boats, sure, but no one was ever in the room with us: no docent, guard, member, or guest.  Only birds.

The building’s doors stayed open.  The prefabricated construction invited nests.  The birds’ sudden flights drew our attention.  The room echoed with their pipes and amplified their wings. Beneath them, my brother and I were like Mole and Water Rat; each boat seemed headed for adventure.

From adulthood, I see the glory and the dream the birds and we shared. Like Thomas Cole, I look back and paint a guardian angel in each boat. The whole, eclectic fleet we played in could have been headed for the Gates of Dawn.

And now?  Is there such a room? I’ve spent my life nesting or looking for places to nest.  My mud and pine needles protrude out of the walls of professions and spill out of a church community.  I fly to my small library with bookmarks of straw.  Like the birds, I utilize; I don’t use things as they seem intended.

Yea, the sparrow hath found an house, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, even thine altars, O LORD of hosts, my King, and my God.  [Psalm 84:3]

I feel myself circling, or I feel myself building.  (It’s never all circling or all building, though, but it’s primarily one or the other; it’s a season of one or the other.) I’ve been circling for years now, looking for your altars, O Lord.  It has been a beautiful search, and I am grateful for the wings.

Most of the time, though, I think I’m just looking for Little Portly.  Trying to keep a kid in line at school or helping him learn past participles.  Saul looking for his father’s asses.  Could be.  Could be each of us is looking for his father’s asses.

[There are no birds in the new, 17,500-square-feet International Small Craft Center.  You can see the boats we played in, but you may not touch.  I should complain.  If you exhibit part of my childhood, at least make it interactive.]